Do you have a need to be liked?

Hi there!

I hope your week is going well!

A question for you - do you have a need to be liked?

This is something that I have struggled with my whole life. I am a massive people pleaser and after much self-reflection, I have realised that it is because I have a deep need to be liked. It is also probably why I avoid personal conflict.

This week, as I am back into the full swing of things with work, I was following up with my corporate clients to book in some things we had been discussing before the summer. One of them was a lucrative coaching assignment with a person I thought was a sure thing. Turns out they chose another coach.

This isn’t uncommon. Choosing a coach is a very personal matter and it has to be someone you feel comfortable with. I have been turned down a number of times and it never bothered me in the past but for some reason, this one did.

And I think it’s because I thought they really “liked” me when we had our “discovery call” and the conversation ended so upbeat that I thought we would most definitely be working together.

It bothers me that I’m bothered by this so I do what I always do and deep dive into why I feel this way and what I can do about it. Bear in mind, this is something I have researched many times before and is something I have been proactively working on for myself and my clients.

And yet, here we are, still falling into the same old pre-programmed ways of thinking and feeling! But it’s ok, it’s all a journey.

So today I am sharing some tips (backed by research) that may be helpful if you too find yourself needing to be liked by others.

1.  Think of yourself as an inkblot

That’s right, an inkblot! Here’s the psychology behind it, as told by Roger Covin, a clinical psychologist and the author of “The Need to be Liked”:

“What a person sees says more about them than it does the inkblot, and the same thing is true interpersonally. The very qualities that make you likeable to one person are the exact same qualities that will make you unlikeable to another person.”

If we think about it, it really does make sense. My sister and I, for example, like completely different celebrities and movies. We are all built differently and we aren’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea.

We like people who are like ourselves and we are not all alike! And that is OK! In fact, its more than ok. We aren’t all supposed to be the same, we don’t like the same things so it is no different when it comes to who we like as people.

2.   Ask yourself “How many people in the entire world would like me?”

Imagine you were to spend a week with everyone on the planet. Ask yourself, what percentage of those people would like/dislike you? My guess is that around 30% would probably dislike me (and I would probably dislike that many too, if not more! Haha)

That puts it into perspective a little, doesn’t it? It’s just not realistic for everyone to like you. With that knowledge in hand, just move on if you encounter someone who doesn’t like you – they are part of that 30%.

3.   Remember that your worth isn’t dependent on other’s approval

As humans, we are hardwired to want to belong, to be liked. This stems back to when we lived in tribes and our survival and well-being depended on being accepted and remaining in the tribe. It was literally life or death. Obviously, today is a very different situation, but our brains haven’t quite caught up yet.

With this knowledge in hand, remind yourself that your worth and self-esteem are NOT tied to how many people like you or what people think of you.

You are worthy because you are you -  just the way you are. ❤️

I hope this week’s message was helpful. If you know someone who needs to read this today, please feel free to forward this to them. Spread the love and have a great weekend!

Love,